Harry Potter and the Season of Change
by fyren galan
Summary: This will likely be the most terrifying story you will ever read. Brace yourselves. Harry/Draco slash, Veela fun, unwitty banter, lots of death, and Twilight bashing. Come on in. I've got something for everyone.
1. HP and the Season of Sexiness

**WARNING**: This story is categorized under Horror for a reason, because personally, it terrifies me that basically half of fan fiction is written like this.

**To be clear: This is the type of story I hate most, and I would never EVER write anything like this if not under the duress of a challenge. **

Harry Potter and the Season of Change 

Chapter One: In which: the reader learns how truly sexy Harry is, what happened to him over the summer, and why Malfoy always smirks.

Harry James Potter was a strikingly sexy young man who had really filled out once he turned seventeen. He was 6'2", had a rippling six-pack, and startling green eyes, which you could see now that he got rid of his ugly glasses. His sexy scar just added to his hot bad boy new look, and so did his silver snake earring. He was wearing tight black leather trousers that really made his arse look hot, and a silky green shirt that totally matched his sexy eyes. The hot look was completed by knee-high dragonhide boots, and he had a small tattoo of a snake on his sexy back that you could see through the gap between his shirt and pants.

He walked up to his best friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, who were standing in front of the Hogwarts Express. Ron had really filled out that summer too, standing at 6'5" with his sexy shoulder-length auburn hair and his strikingly blue eyes. He too had a sexy six-pack, and was wearing tight jeans with rips across the knees, skater shoes, and a skintight blue tank top that somehow showed off his enormous muscles and complemented his pretty eyes. Hermione had turned into a foxy witch, with her hair finally becoming sexily wavy, and her face covered in makeup. She was wearing a tight miniskirt, and a skintight pink t-shirt that said 'I love YOUR boyfriend' in white letters. Her long legs were made longer with a pair of baby pink stilettos, and her belly button ring was sexily visible through her tight t-shirt.

Harry smirked and said hey to his friends, and Ron said hey back. Hermione squealed in a sexy way, and gave Harry a hug. "You look so hot, Harry! What _happened_ to you this summer?"

He shrugged, and replied, "I dunno, Mione. I just woke up one morning, maybe on my birthday or something, and I looked like this. It's pretty sweet, ne?"

Hermione squealed again, and said excitedly, "Omigod! I totally know what happened to you, as I kind of read a lot, in between looking like a slut, and making out with Ron! You obviously came into your Magical Inheritance, like on your seventeenth birthday or something, because that's when wizards come of age. It probably means you're a Veela, too! This means that lots of people are going to be attracted to you, until you find your mate, because you're just oozing Sexual Magic! I would totally be attracted to you, except for the fact that Ron's my mate, and we have sex like 5 times a day! Isn't that right, sweetie?"

Ron smirked, and said, "You know that's right, bitch."

Hermione slapped him on the arm and pouted prettily. "Ronald! Just because I look like a flipping hooker and I give in to your every sexual desire doesn't mean I'm not a feminist. As an assertive, independent young woman, I resent you calling me a bitch! Because really, I'm quite a nice person to everyone except for Slytherins. Except for Draco Malfoy, who is the hottest thing since the Foreman Grill! He's just so sexy and hot! If I wasn't too busy giving Ron blowjobs every hour, I would totally lust after him."

Harry was shocked. "You mean Ferret-Face Malfoy? Goddamn, there's no way in hell I would ever find him hot! Even if I did like boys, which I obviously don't, because I dated Ginny, and had sex with like a bajillion girls this summer!"

Ron smirked again, and said, "That's my man! I could tell you got some as soon as I saw you! You can tell I'm getting some too, because I'm smirking. That's why that smug bastard Malfoy was always smirking, because he gets some like every five seconds. Even though I'm straight, I still know he's smoking, Harry. Maybe you just couldn't tell with your glasses on."

Harry just smirked, and said, "Well, now I'm going to be getting laid a hell of a lot more often, mate or no mate. And I still think Malfoy's uglier than Neville."

Hermione gasped, and smacked Harry's arm. "How can you be so mean to Neville? Just because he's fat and zitty doesn't make him any less of a nice person. Sure, he'll probably commit suicide because no one will ever take his virginity, but we should make his last years slightly more pleasant."

Harry said, "Whatever. I'm just glad this is my last year of school. Being under the eye of that creepy old man totally outweighs the benefits of shagging schoolgirls in sexy uniforms."

Ron totally agreed, and gave Harry a high-five.

Hermione suddenly gasped. "Omigod, you guys! We're totally going to miss the train if we don't get on like right now!" She dragged Harry and Ron onto the train.

As they went from compartment to compartment, all the girls and some of the guys tried to throw themselves at Harry. Harry didn't mind all the girls, but he was creeped out by the guys, and punched a few until they got the message. He smirked down at the seven Forth Years surrounding him, and said, "I think there's a girl's bathroom right down the hallway. Might be useful. Ladies?"

Just as Hermione was going to give Harry a lecture on the dangers of propositioning young girls in groups (she was also a women's rights activist), Harry heard the sexiest voice in the world.

"Reduced to Forth Years, Potter? God knows no one in our year would shag you."

Harry looked up. Standing there was the hottest person he had ever seen. His white blond hair hung sexily over his grey eyes, which smoldered sexily. He was wearing tight black jeans and dragonhide boots like Harry's, and a green t-shirt that said 'My imaginary friend doesn't like you' and showed off his amazing body. Harry knew that this was his mate because clearly he was the only other truly sexy person in the school.

And suddenly, Harry knew who it was. Draco Malfoy. Ron was right, he really was smoking! But, Harry suddenly realized, he had a horrible personality, and therefore couldn't be his mate, no matter how gorgeous he was. Besides, Harry was definitely straight. His mate was probably some girl shaped like Ginny, but with a different hair color.

Harry sneered at Malfoy, and said, "Whatever. I'm totally not having sex with you and becoming your mate because I'm definitely not attracted to you. So, NYEH!" *****

Harry vaguely wondered why everyone was staring at him, and then he realized what he had said.

Harry thought to himself, _oh fuck_, and then he randomly fainted, as a lone tear trickled down his shapely cheek.

TO BE CONTINUED.

A/N: ***** Beebee, I think I've spent too much time talking with you. :]

Alright. I just couldn't do it. I failed in the fourth paragraph. Hell, if I can't make this a parody, what am I doing writing it? :]

By the way, I think this'll be a combination of every badfic there ever was, including:

-Harry doesn't know he's gay, but then becomes bisexual in like one chapter

-Harry is a Veela, and Draco is his mate

-Hermione's a slutbag

-Ron is somehow a 'ho'-slinging American wangster

-I WILL DESCRIBE EVERY OUTFIT EVERY CHARACTER EVER WEARS!

-Purebloods wear shirts with lame Muggle sayings on them. Seriously, does anyone else hate when people do this? They don't even choose the funny sayings, they use ones like mine. WHICH ARE LAME.

-I will use the lone tear quite often; as I think it is hilarious, and I find it hard to take stories seriously that use it.

-I might even delve into the M-Preg. For real this time. **(UPDATE 2/17/10: No M-Preg this time, folks. I think I've said just about everything that needs to be said in about, oh, 3 other stories?)**

-Harry is an insensitive lout (as is everyone in this story, except for Hermione, who is a humanitarian in between shagging Ron and putting on mascara) who smirks a lot and wears tight leather clothing that no doubt cuts off his circulation in the bottom portion of his body

-Everyone smirks a lot, because everyone's getting laid, except for Neville. I feel vaguely sorry for him…


	2. HP and the Season of Suckiness

**WARNING: **This suddenly turned into a Twilight, Harry and Draco bashing fest about halfway in. There's language, major character death, so much crack, and oh, hell. It's really not funny at all. See Author's Note at bottom.

Chapter Two: In which: Harry wakes up in a bed that is not his own, has flirty time with Draco the Wonder Slu–Oh, sorry. I meant Veela.–, and **(WARNING: SPOILER ALERT!)** Neville gets cozy with the Dark Lord.

Harry gasped, and shot up straight. He looked around frantically. Where was he? Why couldn't he see anything?

Oh. Harry smacked himself on the forehead. "Silly me," he muttered. "I forgot that I've been wearing glasses for my entire life, and that I can only see with them on."

Harry made a mental note to get his vision checked, as he just realized that if Voldemort wanted to kill him, all he had to do was take off Harry's glasses, and watch him trip over sharp rocks until one would eventually slice an important vein.

He groped around blindly for his glasses, and was slightly surprised when someone handed them to him. Harry hadn't noticed that anyone was there.

He put them on, and immediately became even dizzier.

Oh. Harry smacked himself on the forehead. "Silly me," he muttered. "I forgot that the author got rid of my ugly glasses in the last chapter, to bring out my brilliant vermillion eyes even more. So technically, I should see just fine without them!"

He took them off, and was able to view the room in crystal clarity.

Ew, the Hospital Wing. Harry couldn't understand why they couldn't make it a nicer color than white. Really, it _was_ after Labor Day.

Harry scanned the room, looking for any sign of Madam Pomfrey, and then noticed that someone was sitting five inches away from his face.

Gasp! It was Draco Malfoy! Who was smirking at him!

He stuttered out, "What- what could you possibly- why are you her- I mean, what do you think you're doing? How could you possibly think of killing yourself? Of course I want you to live forever!"

Draco slapped him gently. "Wrong insipid character rant, Harry."

Harry flushed. "Sorry. Sometimes, I just get really into a role, and I want to continue it, y'know? Anyway, I meant, what the hell are you doing here, Malfoy?"

Malfoy looked offended. "My true love, my soul mate who I shall live with forever, my muffin of eternal happiness faints on the train, and I don't get to watch over his death bed while looking tragic and beautiful? What do you think I'm doing here? By the way, I'm immortal."

Harry was distracted. "Really? Do you sparkle?"

Malfoy answered in the negative.

Harry looked crestfallen. Pouting, he asked, "Well, what _can _you do?"

Malfoy was thoughtful, and scratched his head thoughtfully. "Well, I can magically turn into a swan at will, I can grow wings but can't fly, I could make you pregnant if you were a woman, I can sing along to all three High School Musicals, and I'm learning how to play the harmonica. By the way, I'm Slytherin's heir and the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-cousin-twice-removed of Merlin."

Harry refused to be sidetracked. "Well, your qualifications are substandard at best, but you have shiny hair, so I suppose you'll do! Congratulations! You're my mate!"

Draco shrieked, and leapt forward to girlishly hug him, when Harry put up a finger. "On one condition, Draco. You help me put up my life-size cardboard cutout of Cedric Diggory."

Draco smiled. "Of course, Harry! I've even got some glitter that we can throw at him!"

Then the shrieking and the girlish hugging commenced. It went on for quite a long time, and could've gone on for, say four mind-numbingly long books and two movies, but Neville walked in and ruined it.

"Hey guys," Neville said hopefully but hesitantly.

Draco squealed in horror, and grabbed fearfully onto Harry's arm. "Salazar's pants! It's a talking Flobberworm!"

Harry whipped out his wand, and murmured soothingly to Draco, "Don't worry. I won't let the fat and ugly thing scar your precious widdle eyes. I love you, my snuggle-manticore."

Neville exploded. "Oh, for fuck's sake! Avada Kedavra!"

And so they died, locked in the arms of love's embrace, just as it was about to give them a noogie.

Neville walked outside and set the castle on fire. Everyone in it died.

Voldemort came to watch the light show, and sidled up next to Neville.

"You know, I'm in the market for a highly unstable and self-destructive mate," he whispered suggestively.

Neville blinked at him owlishly. "You don't find my fat and zitty form incredibly repulsive?" he asked wonderingly.

Voldemort gasped. "Of course not! I think you're the sexiest thing I've seen since Lucius handed me a mirror after I regained a body!"

And they kissed sweetly. Or at least they tried. It was rather hard with Voldemort's lack of lips and whatnot, but they would make it work.

And they lived happily ever after.

FIN.

A/N: -winces- Well, that was a train wreck, wasn't it? I had written this back in September and forgotten about it, and then someone reminded me that I hadn't posted it. So, I'm posting it, because I don't care enough about this story to write a good chapter. Sorry. :]

Yes, all the Americanisms in here are on purpose, because it really bothers me when authors do this (I'm being a hypocrite, by the way. I might've done this in an earlier story.), when their story is supposed to be set in Britain.

Yes, I know halfway through Draco takes on all the characteristics of a Veela, but this has a point! I read a story once, where in the first chapter, Draco was the Veela, and somewhere in between the first and second chapter, Harry had magically transformed into a Veela and Draco was now his Mate. Miracles do happen.

I didn't remember the Twilight bashing being quite so noticeable… And so crude. Eh, well. Someone might like this.

I fully give you permission to flame me. But go easy on me, yeah?


	3. HP and the Season of Alternate Suckiness

**Eh, apparently I do care. Yes, I'm a hypocrite. Don't give me story suggestions, people, because I will do them. It's bad for me. **

**WARNING: Alternate cynical ending in the style of lexywrites, language, slash, so much bad!fic, and lots more death. **

**Based off of this review (thank you, ****rilafbrk!). The only thing I didn't do is the sibling who falls for Draco/and/or/Harry, because I just didn't feel like thinking up a plot for that to fit in. Yes, I'm lazy. :] **

I think you forgot a few cliches that appear WAY too often in fics though, such as the goth, ocs, fem harry, fem draco, harry getting alot of tattoos and piercings, the unknown/forgotten sibling who falls for draco or harry, and a few others that are really annoying but I can't remember 'cause they were so bad I didn't even get past the first couple of sentences before I clicked the back button.

**And a thank you to Unhappy Sarah, for educating me on the composition of "horrible female OCs." Rest assured, I shall never desecrate another Sarah. Outside of Labyrinth, that is. **

Alternate Chapter Two: In which: Harry wakes up in the same bed as the previous chapter (but it's still not his own), has some down time with his gal pals, and Neville attempts to get cozy with the Dark Lord.

Harry woke up, disorientated. Of course he was in the Hospital Wing. You'd think that after all times he had been in here, they would at least give him his own bed, or something. Maybe his own toothbrush, at least.

He wondered vaguely, 'Why am I here? I don't recall being in a fight…'

And then he remembered the seeing of the Malfoy, the fainting, and the lone tear that randomly occurred sometime in between the fainting and now.

"Merlin!" he cried, tugging at his hair angstily. "I can't believe I looked like such a loser in front of Malfoy. How could I completely humiliate myself in front of such a hottie?"

His best friends beside Ron and Hermione walked in then. Krystall was a Sixth Year Gryffindor with strawberry blonde hair, stunning purple eyes, and a great smile. Tiffany was a Seventh Year Hufflepuff who was shy, but very beautiful. She had flowing long black hair and laughing brown eyes, and a body to die for. Both of them were tall and skinny and gorgeous, and they often color coordinated Harry's outfits to match theirs. 

Krystall rushed forward, and hugged Harry tightly. "Sweetie, we heard what happened on the train! Oh my God, I'm so sorry I wasn't there! Poor baby, fainting in front of your mate!"

Tiffany came up, and also hugged him. "Are you alright, hun?" she asked quietly.

Harry nodded. "I'm alright guys. I'm just really depressed now because Draco probably thinks I'm a loser, and these clothes just make me even more upset. Honestly, hospital gowns are so tacky."

Krystall and Tiffany smiled. "Well, we can fix that! And then you'll look so hot that Draco will forget that you acted like a complete and total reject on the train!"

They waved their wands together, and nonverbally transformed Harry from drab to totally fab. He was wearing a skintight black tanktop and baggy black cargo pants, with chains hanging from the side. He wore black Converses on his feet, and had gauge earrings in both ears. His heavy black eyeliner matched his black nail polish, and he had two piercings in his left eyebrow, a nose ring, and a tattoo of a dragon encompassing his right arm. His hair was streaked with red and spiked a lot.

"Wow!" Tiffany and Krystall chorused. "You look…sexy!"

"But I look like a tortured soul in anguish too, right?" Harry asked anxiously.

"Oh, totally," Tiffany replied emphatically, and then grinned. "But you make angst look sexy!"

Harry sniffed. "Well, that's alright, then."

At that very moment, Draco Malfoy walked into the Hospital Wing. However, it was a very different Malfoy than the one Harry had seen on the train. Tiffany and Krystall squeaked, and said hurriedly, "We'll see you later, Harry!"

They ran out of the room, and Malfoy strode up to Harry. "Who do you think you are, Potter? What gives you the right to make me your mate?"

Harry stared at awe down at Malfoy. He was… beautiful. His skin was an even paler porcelain, his cheeks were flushed daintily, and his rosebud mouth was currently in a delicate pout. His gleaming blonde hair had grown down to his hips, where it curled in gentle waves. He had lost about six inches of height, and had gained a tapered waistline.

He fit perfectly against Harry's chest.

Harry knew this because the second after Draco had stopped speaking, Harry had pulled Draco into his arms. Draco squeaked and tried to get away, but the Veela Magic overtook them, and they relaxed together.

"I've never felt this way before about anyone," Draco whispered wonderingly.

"You're pretty," Harry replied.

"My heart is racing, and I'm having trouble breathing," Draco said in surprise.

"You have soft hair," Harry returned thoughtfully.

"I think I might be in love with you!" Draco breathed, looking deeply into Harry's luminous orbs of verdant greenness.

"I wanna fuck you," was Harry's loving response.

Draco tentatively placed a hand on Harry's face, and they came together for True Love's First Kiss-

When Neville walked into the Hospital Wing.

"Hey guys," he said nervously.

Draco twisted around in Harry's arms, and squealed in terror. "Oh, Merlin! It's someone who doesn't use hair care product! Save me, Harry!"

Harry rushed to reassure his beloved. "Don't worry, sweetie pie, I won't let the fugly thing hurt you."

Neville exploded. "Oh, for fuck's sake! Avada Kedavra!"

And so they died, locked in the arms of love's embrace, just as it was about to give them a noogie.

Neville walked outside and set the castle on fire. Everyone in it died.

Voldemort Apparated outside of Hogwarts, and his eyes came to rest on Neville.

"It's you," he whispered reverently.

Neville's eyes filled with tears. "At last, the one person who can appreciate me for who I am inside, and won't judge me by my hideous exterior."

Voldemort was in shock, and did a little happy dance. "Ha! They told me that no one could ever be uglier than I was in my new form, but they were _wrong_! Look at you! You're unspeakably horrifying! You look like the love child of the Giant Squid and a goblin!"

Neville started crying. "Stop laughing at me! Avada Kedavra! I hate you!"

And so Voldemort died.

Apparently, that power which the Dark Lord knows not?

Yeah, it was ugliness.

And so the wizarding world lived happily ever after.

Except for Neville, who killed himself, and spent the rest of his deathtime trying to make Moaning Myrtle fall in love with him. He never succeeded.

FIN.

A/N: -shudders- Ugh. The grime of those nasty OCs is still coating my keyboard. I think I lost twenty brain cells after writing each paragraph.

This was how it was originally supposed to end, with Voldemort rejecting Neville. Anyhoo, the flaming offer still stands… I know this story's supposed to be funny, but it hits a little close to the real things sometimes…

And does anyone know why the badly written OCs always have purple eyes? I've never gotten that.

If you want to read a really good Harry/OC story, check out excentrykemuse's Of Princes and Fireflies. It's the only OC story I've ever liked.


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